Between the Sheets...

Foreword : Let me just start off by saying that if you are uncomfortable about reading or talking about subjects related to sex or physical intimacy, this would be a good time to stop reading this particular post! However, let me just say it is not graphic but just my take on how your body image and intimacy issues can collide.

It took me a while to start writing this post, not because I think sex is 'taboo' but the fact that most people don't really want to look at the naked truth (pun intended). But what made me finally write about it is the fact that what is deemed to be dirty and unspeakable is possible one of the purest forms of pleasure between two consenting adults and the reason we live in this highly populated country in the first place! The older we get or the more sexually active we get (presumably), the more I hear and see about how our relationship with our bodies and how we feel about our appearance has a huge impact on our intimate lives. This is something I assume a lot if not most of us have grappled with over the years. Remember the old funny line to put off sex that went “honey I have a headache” or are you more familiar with “not tonight honey I feel bloated or my love handles look like they got a bit too much love”?!

                                             

Being insecure or not confident about yourself affects nearly every aspect of our lives, from the personal to the professional. Physical intimacy is one of those areas. A lot of people assume that women are more prey to this kind of insecurity; well, studies suggest that it is pretty much across the board and men are equally susceptible to problems in the bedroom arising due to a negative body image and manifests itself regardless of sexual preference. It is sad that we often don't love ourselves enough to get the loving we want! 

Often how we feel about ourselves is in relation to attracting a partner. So let's just assume that if you are in a position to be intimate with someone means that the two of you have already crossed that hurdle and are indeed attracted to each other. So why then do we let self consciousness become the death knell of what can be a mutually satisfying and fun experience? Research has shown and well if we are all being honest here we don't need research to tell us, that negative thoughts or hang ups about your body affects men and women both in terms of the frequency, experience and performance so to speak between the sheets. Fixating on whether your tummy or thighs look too big or wondering if your biceps look pumped enough or whether your 'assets' are awesome enough, whether you have too much cellulite...the list can go on and on. It sadly just takes away from the desire that drives us into that position in the first place.

And however the insecurity manifests itself it has a lot more to do with self confidence than your actual physical attributes. Less to do with how you actually are and more with your perception of yourself I would say. And all it does is take away from the fun. Worrying or feeling a little self conscious with a new partner is pretty natural I would think but it even affects people who have been together years and still don't feel comfortable being with their long term partner except under the rosy cloak of darkness or on days they feel 'perfect'. If your body is always a source of anxiety, you rob yourself of the fact that it is also a source of immense pleasure.

A feeling of inadequacy not only kills the intimacy once you are in the bedroom (or wherever floats your boat) but also prevents you from meeting and opening yourself up to people in the first place. And later this negative self image is also related to sexual dysfunction, more unsafe sex and fewer orgasms. And don't you think life is just way too short for that?!

No matter what you consider attractive, self loathing is always a downer. To feel truly sexy in your own skin can be immensely liberating. And confidence is always a big turn on! 

Suffocating Stereotypes & Baseless Biases

ste·reo·type

transitive verb \ˈster-ē-ə-ˌtīp, ˈstir-\
: to believe unfairly that all people or things with a particular characteristic are the same

bi·ased

adjective \ˈbī-əst\
: having or showing a bias : having or showing an unfair tendency to believe that some people, ideas, etc., are better than others

 

The image above is pretty striking. In an article published once in Glamour magazine, (from which this image is taken) it said how women judge each other based on appearance. How say an overweight person is more likely to be construed as being lazy and sloppy or someone slim is thought of being bitchy or superficial. They conducted a poll and asked people to respond to pictures of women of varying sizes and the responses were amazing – harsh stereotyping existed for both fat and thin people.

This is just one of the examples about how a person's appearance leads people to make make snap judgements. If not a judgement then create their own perception of the person in the given situation, if you will. We have all done it. Men and women. Consciously and sub-consciously. And I'm not just talking about weight but also other factors like height, the clothes you wear etc. In the spirit of honesty I must confess on occasion when I see someone wearing a lot of make-up my first thought has been 'high maintenance' or think that they are trying too hard. Is it true, probably not. Is it right, nope. Is it any of my business, definitely not! It is none of ours.

We find stereotypes all the time in fairytales (the good plump fairy vs. a thin mean witch), in movies (with the short guy being the sidekick) and of course the all pervading race stereotypes and much more like people who are extremely muscle laden are often thought of as thick in the head too, attractive women as considered dumb etc. I was once told by someone that they thought that I was pretty and smarter than I look – said with a look of surprise. .

picture - daily mail uk

While general perceptions take place all the time and we are all entitled to our thoughts, it becomes immensely damaging and unfair in certain situations like employment and the work-place for example. Studies show that when interviewing candidates, employers are often likely to pick potential employees based on their perception of attractiveness; for example with two possible candidates having the same experience and educational qualifications the one who is slimmer is more likely to be picked. In fact they might be paid more as well! It is also seen that taller people are picked more over those who are shorter and are often promoted to more authoritative positions and again paid more. Shorter people are also dismissed more easily or treated in a more child-like manner.

While lines may be blurry and maybe not always on a conscious level, it cannot be denied that we as a society are basing people's capabilities, intelligence, social skills and so much more based on their appearance.

What is even worse is that this bias is extended to kids as well. Studies have shown that teachers do sometimes favour kids who are more 'attractive', think they have more potential and even give them better grades. I once had a teacher who had her favourite in class; a charming very popular kid who got away with a lot more than anyone else could. Which would have still been okay, but the teacher used to encourage this kid to make fun of another girl in our class and the way she talked in front of everyone and laughed as he did so! A more nondescript and quiet kid who wouldn't have complained of course. I remember being horrified as a 13 year old thinking you are our teacher for heaven's sake! But I digress...

Slob, conceited, weak, mean, powerful ….. the labels abound. The stereotypes and biases abound. We make a lot of judgements based on a person's appearance. Do you think there is a way to combat this? Or is it another frustrating thing we have to suck up and should chalk up to human behaviour? Have you faced it or is it something you admit to doing far more often than you should?

The fairest of them all....

It is no secret how being fair is supposed to be beautiful in India. In fact the mad race to be fair and ahem, lovely is a huge phenomenon all over Asia, with the fairness products industry lapping up billions and billions of dollars. The colour of my skin has never been an issue for me personally and neither has it affected the way I look at myself, nor is it a factor I take into consideration when worrying about the way I look; but I see it all the time in people I know, people I love and generally us as a society. And it bothers me. A lot.

Being towards the fairer end of the Indian skin colour spectrum, my skin was commented on, a lot of the times with people saying how great it is that I am so 'gori'. As a child I didn't really get what the fuss was about and now as an adult it bothers me because in saying someone is attractive just because they are fair is saying someone with a darker skin colour is thereby less so. A few years back I came back from a holiday super tanned and happy (I love a holiday tan, it is like the best kind of souvenir :) ) and someone commented on how I had “lost my complexion” . I remember thinking really, did my 'complexion' just get up, go for a walk and forget how to get back home.

Growing up I do remember the famous pink and white tubes (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about) in the homes of my friends. I had one too, because at the time it was the one cream that didn’t make my hormonal teenage skin break out and was one of the very few that had sunscreen. But for many of these girls it represented hope in a tube. An idea, if you will, that being fairer will make them that much more beautiful. That they needed to lighten their gorgeous dusky complexions to be more attractive.

Says who, you ask? Societal norms and cultural beliefs about skin colour abound in this country and the insane pharma and beauty industries and their advertising campaigns perpetuate it. All the time. As do the supposedly well meaning aunties & uncles who love commenting on it. I don't think you can watch TV nowadays without at least one ad for a fairness product. Because heaven forbid we land a dream job, get married or brim with self confidence with darker skin! A couple of years back I remember watching an ad for a feminine hygiene wash that not so subtly hinted at how you can be happier and have more 'intimacy' if your lady bits were fairer. I mean seriously! “I wish her vagina and private parts were fairer” I think said no man (or woman) in the throes of passion ever!!

Of course being of lighter complexion would also mean that we get better marital prospects and a booming new career, or so they would have us believe. Seeing super stars from film-dom and sports fraternities endorsing fairness products for men and women and saying it is a way to enhance your life is just ugh. Not to mention the airbrushed and photo-shopped magazine covers that lighten the skin of gorgeous men and women, who anyway are meant to be the sometimes unrealistic paragons of beauty.

Friends of mine with darker skin have been told as kids and as adults to make sure they don't get more tanned or have heard comments like how they would be so much more attractive if they were a little bit lighter. Not directly sometimes but yes, people are intrusive and people can be cruel. Conversely a friend of mine was once told as a young teen that the only reason she was attractive or boys like her is because she was so fair, or else she would be nothing. What message are we sending out?! 

pictures courtesy the talented kevin pereira - https://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinpereira/

 

Like I have mentioned before, what you do with your body, or skin in this instance, is your business. If it means that fairness is important to you then it is your preference and we all have the right to choose what matters to us. But to push this belief on to someone else or make a disparaging remark when someone else doesn't fit your idea of attractiveness, more so when you are talking to a child, is just shameful.

As a country we range in shapes, forms, sizes and colours and the diversity is awe inspiring. From the milky whites to the deliciously dusky to deep,dark chocolate, I hope you feel great in whatever skin you are in. And let others feel great in theirs.

The Beauty & Humour of Genetic Make-up

                                                       mom & dad

We inherit all kinds of characteristics from our parents, grand parents and so on, either thanks to nature or nurture. With things like the colour of our skin or eyes and yes even personality traits that often arise in part due to our genetic make-up or family environment, mom and dad are blamed or celebrated for a number of things. :)

Although I know biology, genetics, family dynamics etc. and all that good stuff is amazing and often amazingly messy, I still love seeing commonly shared characteristics within families and experiencing a sense of marvel. It is pretty damn awesome!

There are definitely traits I wish I hadn't inherited, like the propensity to gain weight (thanks dad!) , but there are tons of other things I cherish and laugh at because I can see the source when I look at my parents or grand parents. And there are things you see in your siblings that you wish had been passed down to you as well – my brother's beautiful brown eyes and awesome singing voice come to mind - our paternal grand-mom Aie was a superb singer – whereas I got her super sensitive skin :)

Somehow the older I get, the more I love finding out about the commonalities. And seeing little bits of people passed on in various ways scattered across families, feels like another link and tie. Like for example in the picture of maternal grand-parents below, my grand-dad looks exactly like a mix of two of my cousin brothers!

                                                   nana & nanima

So instead of whining about things we may have inherited and don't like, today I want to celebrate the quirks and characteristics that we seem to have gotten from our families, both physical and not. Because a lot of them make us who we are. Off the top of my head, here's my list -

1. My mother's 'glass half full' outlook. Mom is so positive about most things and I seem to have gotten a little bit of that sunshine from her. Try as I may, and I really did during an angst ridden teenage poet phase, I can't ever be overly cynical. I have also heard of how my nanima, my mother's mother, was just like that and I can see that quality in both my mom's sisters are as well.

2. My dad's ability to zone out. Dad and I both tend to drift off into our own worlds, and stay there for a while quite happily. Although, dad often does this when he is working on something new and I'm just a perpetual day-dreamer, it means that we are both happy with our own company.

3. Being a good listener. Both mom and dad are great listeners and often the 'go-to' person for friends and family. My friends tell me I have some of that too and that makes me very happy.

4. My crooked front teeth. Now these I really disliked at one point and thought about braces, until I realised that dad has exactly the same overlap and the same shaped two front teeth. Now whenever I see them in the mirror or in a photo I think of my daddy. And it makes me smile some more, every single time.

5. My face. Not because of whether I think it is attractive or not, but because I look so much like either of my parents at different times! I look like me and yet like them, sometimes I look totally Maharashtrian (dad) or very Bohri-ish (mom) and I am a sum of their parts.

                                                                     aie & bapu

How about giving a shout-out to your gene pool?! Trust me, it makes you look at yourself in a totally different light. Write to me with lists of your own :)

The Ugly Duckling

I thought I would begin with this post and it wasn't easy. I decided to lay old vulnerabilities bare because it can be immensely powerful and might strike a chord in a lot of people. Most of us have heard about the fairy tale about the ugly duckling - a little baby bird born among ducks and derided for his lack of “beauty”. As he grows up he eventually realises he is actually a gorgeous swan and is so awesome in his own very way. It is a sweet tale of personal transformation and realising your true beauty as you see in your reflection, rather than peeping into someone else's mirror.

I think for me just before puberty hit and the age where you actually start really noticing how you look was the downward spiral in a sense. It fostered years of comparison and an 'ugly duckling' complex so to speak. My parents and family always thought I was beautiful and emphasised other important things like academics or all my passions (my love for drama had them sitting through many a crazy home production or a voracious reading habit that resulted in huge library fees!). So it was definitely something I inculcated within myself.

The thing is I was surrounded by such gorgeous women. Girls they were then. My cousins. In my eyes I would and could never match up to what I thought were the characteristics that made them beautiful and me not. One had never-ending eyelashes and the skin of a doll, another amazing legs that spoke of the awesome athlete she was and a big, bright smile and another had an itty-bitty waist and a super attractive face. The list was miles long and I never seemed to have anything that featured on that prized list. I love these girls tremendously and probably that made it a little bit harder back then. Because for me, no matter what, they were beautiful. And in my eyes I always seemed a little less pretty, a little less graceful, a little less worthy.... always a little less.

It wasn't just the baby fat or what I thought were nondescript features; I wish I could have told myself that maybe they sparkled a little bit more because I was letting my sparkle be corroded by a constant insecurity. I wish I could have told myself to swim more, act in more plays, sing more and just be more without worrying that I didn't match up. And it so saddens me when I see young girls or boys doing exactly the same disservice to themselves. And of course, some of us well into womanhood and manhood with siblings, friends and peers. It is so damn easy to fall into the comparison trap and even easier to feel like you come out at the bottom.

Self acceptance takes a while and it is a continuing process. But it is essential to grow and evolve and move away from that negativity to truly feel ourselves and grow into our own. My cousins and friends are still the most gorgeous women I've seen and I think I'm surrounded by some amazingly lovely women, inside and out. But just as I will never have those legs or that waist, neither will they have my mad wavy hair or a butt that doesn't quit :) . I may not be able to even manage to hit the ball on a tennis court, but I can write a succinct line or two (or so I choose to believe)!

We are all special. We are all beautiful. We all have quirks and characteristics that make us us. We all need to stop looking into someone else's mirror. If we all looked and acted just the same, it would be a very boring world indeed!

Have you had an ugly duckling moment or phase? Or is there someone if your life you wish would realise how uniquely amazing they are?